For the last two months I have been on a mission. A mission that most people would consider a grand and glorious opportunity, an opportunity to eat everything and anything at any time that you would like.
As I have mentioned earlier (16 Push Ups) I needed to gain weight. And I have. I'm now back to my pre-shitstorm weight and I am not stopping. No pizza will go un-ordered, no rum and coke will be denied, no roast beef dinner will be ignored and certainly no cheesecake will sit idle in the fridge. As the Oncologist said "there is no such thing as a bad calorie".
So I have been on a mission to gain weight, and I'm going to tell you it isn't the easiest thing to accomplish. And I know many of you are guffawing me right now, but the fact is I have always been lean and full of energy so burning calories was more my speed than packing them on.
For a while I was feeling guilty for going on walks as I knew it was burning calories. That's how much I was focused on the weight gain. I also knew I needed to build muscle mass hence the reason for getting back to doing push ups. This work meant I needed to eat even more as I was burning while gaining.
I was heavily focused on weight gain as I have seen so many pictures of friends that are dealing with Cancer and every one of them had lost so much weight prior to passing on. To me it's the last phase prior to death. We've all seen it, the skeleton lying in bed trying their hardest to put on a brave face. It's the reality.
One photograph in particular was texted to me from someone that recently passed. He was showing me a picture of himself in his hospital bed to say that he was on my palliative floor. It was meant to be a little joke between us as we had been alternating being on this ward and possibly even alternating rooms. But what the picture did was freak the shit out of me. He had lost so much weight that when I saw the picture I knew he was in the final phase.
And of course I thought of myself being in that position again.
And that scared me fat.
The other thing that happened when I saw that picture was that I quickly looked through my feed to see how skinny I was when I was in palliative. Was I as skinny as he was? When I was close to the edge had I gone that far with weight loss?
The answer was inconclusive, the pictures didn't show me being terribly skinny. But the reality was that I had gone from 154 lbs to 128 lbs. I was skinny. I just couldn't see myself the way others saw me. And I know that now because so many people tell me I look way better than I did two months ago. And I believe them.
Recently a friend saw me at the golf course and didn't recognize me from when we last talked. I had just gotten out of the hospital and my pal Al (leukaemia survivor) was in town. We ran into our mutual friend Breton and had a very enjoyable conversation. I remember being very fidgety because my ass was hurting from sitting on the bench. Last week when Breton walked by me and I said hello he just stared at me trying to put a name to the face.
His confusion came from the fact I had more face than I did when the three of us sat on the bench. And when we finished talking he needed to take a photo of me so he could send it to Al to show him how I had bounced back.
Back to my pre pancreatic and bile duct issue weight.
So, my mission has been to put on weight. I need weight is for the next round of the shit-storm that is inevitably coming my way again. If I don't have the weight, I don't have the ability to keep up the fight. I need to keep putting on weight, preferably in the form of muscle because that is what tends to be eaten up while lying in a bed for half a month.
Side note, when you get out of the hospital and decide to play golf as a 130 lb man your swing completely changes. Just thought you should know.
So for all you people out there not feeling comfortable with your weight, I want you to know I empathize with you. Weight management is not easy, but we all do what we can don't we.
PS I couldn't have gained all this weight without the awesome culinary delights prepared by Tracey and kind friends that have dropped off meals. I love you all.