It’s late on January 1st, 2020 and I’m wrestling with the construct of time. Obviously we just celebrated another New Years eve, and a significant one as we’ve just entered into a new decade. So naturally I started thinking about my relationship with time. Time as a concept, time in terms of relativity and time as something that is ever changing. Changing in terms of how it is understood, how you manage it and how it affects your psyche.
As I type this I’m feeling very philosophical and perhaps introspective, which I know is a common theme for many as we step out of one year into the next.
But I don’t think that’s what has my mind buzzing as I sit here in my hot bath. Maybe it’s the bath bomb, but more likely it’s the fact I’m having a bath and know I shouldn’t be. I’m back to not being able to do baths without the repercussions of itchy red spots due to chemo, so this bath is a bit rebellious in nature. And it got me thinking to the cyclical nature of my chemo, which has me thinking about what has transpired over the last four to five years, which has me thinking about time.
And like I said my mind started buzzing so I picked up the phone, launched the Squarespace app and am freewheeling a thought to see where I may take it.
I apologize if it rambles and if it takes a long time to read, or be understood.
A couple of themes have popped up. Let me dissect them:
Time is precious.
This one is kinda obvious so I’m starting with it. With the passing of a year and with the advent of New Years resolutions it seems obvious that I’m am reflecting on 2019 while putting plans for the best Jim and the best family and friend scenarios for 2020. I think I’ve been on the right path so I am going to continue doing what I did in 2019 but be more mindful while I’m experiencing the moment. I already have a lot of gratitude for how lucky I am but what I want to do is really stop time and break it down into more bite sized pieces. I want to see how well I can do at stopping time and being even more present and engaged.
Time is relevant.
“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
This quote has been with me for a long time, and I think of it often when I’m at the extremes of my existing scenario. There are times when I’m on this journey where it is long, arduous and seemingly without end. Like when I’m in the hospital or recuperating from a surgery or when the chemo drugs are truly at their peak draining and painful best. Often during these scenarios I have the ability to suspend time and just be. I almost turn everything off so I can focus on my health. It’s probably why I prefer solitude while in the hospital. I use the time to focus and go inward.
There are other times when time flies by and I kinda look at the event in the rear view mirror and smile. I wish it could keep going or I wish I slowed it down and really relished in my good fortune. These times always occur when I am surrounded by laughter. And this always happens when I’m with family or friends. Or dressed up like a unicorn. This again is why I made the resolution in the above paragraph. When it’s great I want to absorb more of it so I can use it when I’m not feeling so great.
Time is a tool.
I meditate and I visualize. And I am fairly successful at doing it daily. During these times time changes. In a sense it stands still from the outside looking in, but from my perspective when meditating it can sometimes move quickly and cover off so many thoughts and topics. Like the other day when I spent time to connect to every member of my family. For some reason the connection came in the form of electricity leaving my head and landing on them. I had over 20 lines connecting me and I felt so happy while it was happening. The energy went both ways, I could see energy travelling in two directions, positive happy energy leaving me, and positive happy energy coming back. When I came out of the meditation I truly felt more connected and felt like I was in good hands. My family, to a person, has good positive energy. In the meditation I thanked them as I truly appreciated them for being so awesome.
Another time tool for me is my planning of adventures three to six months out. Sometimes, like it happened last summer, I have to summon all my energy to get out of the hospital so I could visit the lads in Ontario. Other times just the planning and thinking of the impending fun that will ensue in the future is all I need to stay healthy or get in shape. It’s as though they are the brass ring on a merry-go-round - as soon as I grab the ring I’m already staring as I go around in order to be in the best position to get the next one.
Tracey and I both know the value of these plans and are going to be even better at making stuff happen in 2020.
Time as a reminder.
Life is cyclical, it has rhythms and patterns. As I type this I am dealing with not being able to do baths for a while. It will pass as I either acclimate to the itchy skin or I wait out the chemo and a new treatment has different effects. I recognize that I keep returning to certain side effects, to certain points where I need to be more positive and present and I certainly know that the better physically prepared I am the better I am at dealing with the challenge.
But the reminders aren’t just physical, the real reminders are mental. For example, on Christmas Day, as everyone was opening presents I sat there with tears of joy on my cheeks. For I was reminded that I never felt I was going to see another Christmas, let alone four. That evening as I lay in bed I for some reason I thought about the birthday cards I wrote for Tracey, Jack and Amanda two years ago. I wrote them as I didn’t think I was going to be around for any of their birthdays. I’ve now gotten through one each (these are still sitting in the pile) and have four more years of cards. As I lay in bed I thought, damn at this rate I won’t need any of the cards…I feel darn good mentally and as long as I push the side effects to the side I can keep on keeping on.
When I look back at the Jim that cried while writing 15 cards I realize I am way more positive about my life on this planet. I somehow see that guy as a guy digging really deep to be a positive impact on his family, a guy that was sometimes scared and sometimes ill prepared for a shortened future.
Today, with the benefit of time, I see that I am way more focused on the present, a guy that has done pretty much everything he needs to do for himself and his family.
Time has given me that gift.
Time changes everything all while somehow repeating itself.
Today, on the first day of the new decade I can’t help but feel truly optimistic in so many ways.
More and more I feel Father Time and Baby New Year are on my side. As a result today I say thanks to Father Time for a another great year, and I’m going to grab Baby Time by the soother and make the absolute most out of our year. Come join us.