In-between. That’s where I find myself these days.
A hospice is a beautiful place. It is the perfect transition from the crazy frenetic days of the hospital to the calmness and security of being in a home like environment with the protection of a full medical team. There are many stories I could tell you that would be proof points that the hospice is way better than being at home (where I really thought I wanted to go after being discharged from the hospital). I 100% need a medical team, it’s been proven. I would have been a terrible burden on the family. Me being in the hospice gives everyone the chance to instead focus on enjoying our family. The best line that was said during the decision process was that Tracey can now be a wife instead of a caregiver. That in itself is gold.
When I say I am in-between I mean it in a few different ways.
The obvious one is that I am in the hospice waiting for an end of life moment. I’m in-between the outside world and the insulated world of the hospice. And it’s such a great place to be. It’s given our family the moments we needed to feel genuinely comfortable with me dying. It’s given me beautiful moments with friends. Again, it’s given me the opportunity to find peace, which I was losing while in the hospital.
But the other in-between I wanted to talk about is the in-between times I am able to enjoy when I am alone in the room with me and my thoughts. I’m in a room that now feels like mine, again thanks to Tracey, the kids and in a bit of an interesting turn, a gift from Mandy Stobo. I feel at peace in all ways in this space.
And that peace gives me these beautiful moments to sit back and review the film of my life. And thankfully the film is pretty darn entertaining. I am a lucky man that has been given the time and beautiful space to enjoy a beautiful life. I don’t want this to sound too smarmy, which it kinda looks like as I write this, but alas this is exactly how I feel.
I am enjoying the family time so much. I am enjoying the variety of visits. I am having some really lousy medical moments but they are part of this process and I accept it all as part of the in-between-ness of my present life.
I’m just in-between. And while I’m enjoying it I’m still not sure what/when the next shoe drops.
In-between.
Spirit Animals
PS When the family was all gathered in my room, including my kids partners, they asked me to identify each of their spirit animals. The answers:
Jack - he’s a chimpanzee cause he’s always full of fun, very social, always moving with boundless energy, he’s smart, athletic and the best hugger. His girlfriend Taryn is an otter, motherly, loves water, playfulness.
Amanda - she’s a raccoon, which for my Toronto friends would be considered an insult so hear me out. Amanda is very intelligent, resourceful, fearless, tenacious and of course cute. For her boyfriend Evan I chose an orangutan as he is wise, quiet, friendly, strong yet empathetic. It also helps he’s 6’7” and has tinge of red in his hair.
Tracey’s spirit animal was quickly chosen by the kids, they all blurted out Momma Bear without hesitation. When it’s that easy it’s meant to be.
After choosing the animals I sent a note to Mandy and within 24 hours this beautiful painting appeared. I love you Mandy, thank you.