Yesterday I was feeling down. As I said to Tracey I feel like crying, that tears were at the brim and almost spilling over. It was just one of those times where the relentlessness of pain, not being able to eat what you want in combination with so many other tiny little affronts that you start winding up a pity party for one. Nothing major, just recognition that sometimes it’s ok to be sad. Sometimes when so much happy is around you you can still feel sad inside and I’m getting better at accepting these moments.
I’m truly so happy to have the time with Tracey and the kids, I’ve enjoyed friends and family moments, I got out and skied with Jack, so many walks and I think I’m just a bit overwhelmed at the whole ‘yah, I made it to another Christmas’ that I set myself up for the emotional shedding that comes along with that high.
And then I was cleaning up my computer and found this piece that Dave Kelly wrote in his newsletter last year. It made me smile and voila, pity part over.
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A lot of you know my friend Jim Button – and a lot of you follow his blog. Some of you even wear his socks.
He’s dealing with cancer – one that was supposed to have taken him out a few years ago – so it makes sense that a lot of people wonder how he is.
We had coffee today.
“How you doing?” I asked.
“Awesome,” he says. That’s what he always says. But he looks a little different. For one, his face is puffy.
“No really – how are you doing?”
“Feel my cheeks, ” he says.
“Not in a coffee shop Jim,” I say.
“Ha Ha,” he says. “Seriously, feel my cheeks.”
So I do. Wow. “Those are firm cheeks,” I say.
“Steroids,” he says, “I’m the Barry Bonds of cheeks.”
And we laugh. Then he asks about me. And I tell him. It’s a tricky time, I’m stressed, I feel like I’m faking it, like someone is about to tell me the game is up and everyone knows I’m clueless. We talk about it. We talk about Blythe, we talk about the kids. We talk about the upcoming Dave Kelly Live and his new and improved roll.
“But seriously Jim – how are you?”
“I’m awesome,” he says.
And he asks about my life some more. And we talk about my life some more.
Finally, I push back – “Jim – I want to know… how are you?”
He stares at me for a second, then says, “Ok… the meds I’m on are the hardest I’ve dealt with. It kicks the shit out of me. I’ve had a headache for 3 years, I’m itchy all over, my ass hurts and my mouth has sores and I’m still full of tumours. I’m tired a lot of the time and there are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. Oh, and I have a hernia and I’m not supposed to lift anything. And food tastes like shit. And I have this gaping oozy hole on my temple from a skin cancer removal that won’t heal due to the chemo. Not that you need it but it’s really bugging me these days…
Then he stopped and looked at me. “And you know what else?”
What? I ask.
“Amanda started University and is loving it. Jack is in his second year. I’m truly enjoying my empty nest time with Tracey. I’m planning a dinner with friends this weekend, I just did a talk at Beakerhead, I go for a walk with a friend every day, I’m working on Best of Calgary, and we’re putting on a Dave Kelly Live in a month. So you know what that means?”
“What?”
“It means I’m awesome.”
And we laughed and talked some more.
And afterward, it hit me. This is why I love that man.
In all this time with Jim and his journey, I’ve never once felt like I should be anything other than what I am. My stuff is just as important to him as his stuff. And he is way more interested in talking about what’s going on with me than telling me what part of him is itchy.
Today I was reminded how lucky I am to have a friend like Jim.
Written by Dave Kelly
And how could I possibly stay sad after reminding myself how lucky I am. I’ve truly got so much good surrounding me that I just need to accept the lows when they appear as the highs more than make up for them!