Hung out with someone about a month ago and he said something to me that I’ve been thinking about ever since. This is someone I hadn’t seen in close to 15 years so it made what he said even more relevant.
We we’re in mid conversation when he leaned forward and said ‘Jim I know you are dealing with heavy stuff but I need to tell you I remember you as this perpetually happy smiley guy. One of the smiliest I’ve ever met. And in the last couple of days I haven’t seen a lot of those smiles’.
I was completely caught off by the comment. At first I was defensive, thinking if he only knew about the 10+ diahhrea visits to the toilet the previous night, he should cut me some slack.
Then I was curious.
I still hadn’t said anything, and only a second or two had lapsed, so I looked at him and said ‘that’s an interesting observation’. And while being quite forward I appreciated the honesty.
And it was true, for the two days we had been together fishing I had been pretty solemn and quiet. And I know I totally deserved to feel this crappy (pun intended) given what was going on with my body.
But all that being understood he had presented me with a pre-cancer mirror and held it in front of my face to allow me to gaze with curious introspection. And for the last month I have been pondering this conversation quite a bit.
Have I lost Smiley Happy Jim.
Have I become one of those people I swore I would never become - one of those cancer patients that become enveloped by the cancer.
And to a degree, I think both may have happened. I don’t think I’m as happy and carefree as I once was. I sense that the cancer occupies a bigger space in my psyche than I had wanted it to.
It’s possible I was naive to think I could go through the past few years without being mentally and physically weakened.
It’s possible that maybe it was inevitable that the cancer would get a larger hold of my mind. It’s possible that I’ve just been worn down by the relentlessness of it all.
It’s all possible, maybe even true. But I don’t want this to be the case. I don’t want this to be my future.
I want Smiley Happy Jim to prevail.
So he will.
