It’s been gradual, but I’ve been very aware that my body is getting weaker and weaker every day.
When I first got to Rosedale Hospice I could do anything, and to be fair I rarely thought about walking down the hall, the only thing slowing me down was my suprapubic, and it still is the bane of my comfort. But that’s a different story.
Fast forward to last night, Tracey, Jack and Amanda were here, which is always a great night. We all took a walk down the hall and while slow I did a bit of a lap and felt good.
When we got back to the room I thought I would try and go to the bathroom, which I did. However I almost got stuck as I couldn’t find the strength to pull myself up using the rails. I eventually made it but dang that took energy. Then I went to get in bed and found I couldn’t scootch my butt up the bed so Tracey and Jack had to lifty me up. They also had to lift my legs onto the bed. And again I was even more exhausted. I couldn’t get in bed by myself.
This was all a new experience, and having it happen with the family was an added layer of confusion.
After we got me settled in bed they went home and I was left sitting in the bed trying to figure out what just happened. This was just the first sliver of what is to come. I’m in the process of losing a lot of independence and that’s a bit of a difficult thing to accept.
Or is it?
I thought further about that night and it kinda gutted me. This is big. I was feeling like losing mobility puts me even further into the management of the hands of the hospice team. They do more I do less. I fell asleep not necessarily comfortable with this new situation.
When I woke up Kristie, the spiritual support person, happened to drop by for a visit, the timing couldn’t be any more perfect.
We started talking and bam it took barely any time before my emotions were exposed. I cried. We talked about this new found stress and as always sharing my thoughts helped me get to a great place. Not surprisingly I have happily gotten to a point of acceptance. I’ve realized that I knew this was going to be part of the process, I’ve realized that it’s ok to be comfy with others taking care of me and I’ve realized that I was already comfortable with the big picture. The big picture being that I’m dying. And this is a step in that direction.
So there you have it, I’m another step closer and I’m comfortable with it. Today was a great day because I made it a great day. And I accept all that the upcoming days will be better with the help of my hospice team.
