I often find the space in between to be very difficult. And by in between I mean that string of days or weeks where you are not dealing with a significant ailment, but instead are simply living with your cancer. Or it seems in my case, and most others, that the cancer is really identified by the treatment and it’s side effects.
So when the nerve pain, temple scab from Mohs, and the dizziness become less obvious it seems you are left with the less exciting ailments like itchy skin, sore joints, headaches and mouth sores.
These challenges were all big once but after three plus years they’ve become just a part of daily life. So you treat, manage and endure them with creams, medications, walking, etc.
I call this time the time in between. I’m not dealing with any urgency, but at these times the space allows my mind to amuse itself with thoughts of what once was. Or what it could/should be.
When in emergency mode everything is focused. When in between you look for meaning and enjoyment.
And while one would think I would be ecstatic when not dealing with an emergency, one must also realize this is when you are like the Little Engine that Could and you chant ‘I think I can, I think I can.’
But you can’t. Not like you used to and not like you think you can.
I think about my frail body that cannot do contact sports, I think about a career that was flying high, I think about afternoons without the need for naps (never thought I would be talking down naps!) and I think about traveling the world.
“The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between.
Claude Debussy”
So it is in these times, the time in between the notes, that you must be more diligent and proactive with your positivity otherwise this space can crush a dream.
If the music of my life is to be vibrant and uplifting then I have to continue to work on the space in between. For I believe this is where the music is made.
It’s made by making sure each moment counts and the past dreams and future opportunities are adjusted accordingly. I’m usually really good at this but I’m acknowledging that it is sometimes very challenging.
This is one of those times.
So I’m busy making music. 🎶